The Day I Knew I Was Done

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Having children has always been such a joy to me.  I have four, so obviously I like it, or I did. After my third child I remember thinking I was probably done having kids.  I didn’t ever know for sure though, ya know? I never had like an overwhelming since of completeness.  I would randomly miss being pregnant, miss having my own baby to snuggle, and would think I would like just one more full child with my husband, since we have a blended family.  Our fourth child was a shocker, but I was happy and excited.  

A few months after our last child’s birth my husband got a vasectomy. Even then, sometimes I thought Oh lord, what if we change our minds?! 

Then one day it hit. I knew I was done having kids. I knew I never wanted another. Both of my sister in laws are pregnant, I had just found out someone else close to me was pregnant.  It was funny, because I was laying in bed with menstrual cramps.  As I was laying there, I thought to myself dear baby Jesus, I just want to thank you for these cramps and the shedding of my monthly uterine lining. I was so happy for all of these other people, but I was also so happy it wasn’t me.  I felt like, I finally get to just snuggle ALL of these babies coming and I literally have to do NOTHING! No pregnancy, not a fifth natural birth that feels like I am literally burning in hell.  Just a sweet tiny baby that I can kiss and snuggle and send out the door when I am done. 

I started having kids when I was nineteen and had four from 19 to 27 years old. I am ready to be a little selfish. Okay, a lot of selfish. I am attending college, I like being skinny and I’m just not into the baby shit anymore… At least not my baby shit. 

I love all four of my beautiful little blessings with their four unique and lovely personalities and I need nothing else. I am ready to slay in the workforce and help make their dreams come true. 

So dear uterus; keep doing your thing and shedding that lining that will never be needed to make a baby again and BRING ON ALL OF THE NEICES AND NEPHEWS!! Woot woot! ;) 

Why Family Sometimes Sucks

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So, I haven’t written a blog post in 491 days.  Where the hell have I been?  I am not even going to try and begin to write about the past 491 days of my life, but I have been feeling the urge to write, so I’ll just do that.  Well… Its about 10:30 pm and both boys are in bed and hubs is at work.  So of course being my weird self, I am sitting in the living room in silence.  Why don’t I ever turn the television on?  I guess I like staring at the walls in complete silence after hearing nothing but the opposite of that all day.  Tonight my mind is wandering… Ha, what’s new? 

It’s the holiday season and I am excited to spend the days with my kids and husband.  I can’t lie and say I don’t have a shitty attitude about a lot of the other things that come with holidays however. 😏

I’ve talked before about how I wish my parents would have just divorced when I was little vs when I was 24. How it sucks to come accustomed to family traditions all of your life and then have them ripped apart.  So, as usual, my husband and I are trying to get through the days with smiles on our faces and positive attitudes for our kids, even though when we look at each other I know we can both see the heart ache that we share. 

You see, because what a lot of people don’t realize is that this time of year is also a reminder of gut wrenching facts about your fucked up life. Floods of memories, feelings of emptiness and hoping to God that we are doing something right so that our kids don’t go through what we have. 

Family sucks. Yup, I said it. Oh how hard it is to hold together a family. Not just our own consisting of us and our kids. I mean extended family. Brothers, sisters, moms and dads and in-laws.. Oh my. 😱

I know I should just let things go, move on forget about it. Unfortunately, I suffer from anxiety & depression which leads to over thinking & insomnia. So, I guess I’ll write. 

I’m not really sure how I want this to go, so I guess I’m just just going to do the whole feelings thing. Eek! Give perspective on what it feels like to be “that family” 

Christmas is in 14 days and the fact that my husband and two boys and I spent thanksgiving alone and had braums for dinner scares the hell out of me. I’ve encountered the people that give you the “you have your own family now” 

Yeah I get that. Does that still make it ok that my two boys watch their sisters gallop out the door to spend time with their dads family and probably wonder what the fuck happened to their own dads family? Or that my four year old is smart enough to know that 4 of his cousins and uncle as well as his “Nina” live 3-5 miles away and wonders why we don’t see them? Or God forbid my hot mess of a self that has to see Instagram posts of my mom and her new top notch family having dinner –minus her own kids. Then here comes Christmas…. So yeah, I’m a little terrified of what emotions Christmas Day will bring out after the sheer joy of my kids’ faces that morning. Will we just sit at home the rest of the day? Will we be invited? <— actual thoughts I have.  

I guess I’m going to end this here because I feel as though I could go on forever. I just want to exit in saying to all of the people who know how I am feeling.. I get it. I understand you can be both happy & sad on a holiday.  I feel for you. And most importantly Happy Holidays and a little sadness From The Suters <3  

 

Hi, I’m a mom of BOTH.

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I keep seeing articles and blogs aimed at “boy moms” or “girl moms”… “Mom or boys”… “Mom of girls”.
Well… I’m here to tell you that I’m a mom of BOTH!🙂 I have two girls, one boy and another boy on the way. Yes, now I’m going to make one of those corny lists of what “moms of both” here, see or experience.

1. Her baby dolls are in my room
2. He only wants to play ninja and I don’t want to play ninja, I want to play house!!
3. Why doesn’t her have a weiney?!
4. Why does he get to pee outside and we don’t?
5. Who peed on the toilet??
6. Son, don’t be mean
7. Honey, don’t be a drama queen
8. No son, I will not paint your nails like your sisters
9. I don’t want to watch Barbie movies!!
10. I’m sick of Ninja Turtles!!

This is only a list of ten… I don’t want to carry on lol… You can get the picture🙂

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Should you really always forgive?

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I hate when people tell me “don’t hold grudges” …I’m not holding a grudge ok? I’m holding onto the fucking pain that I was put through and I won’t ever forget it, just so I don’t let it happen again. Really though, when someone has hurt you or your family over and over again, how could you not hold a grudge?! I have some of these people and the thought of them makes my blood fucking boil. Do I think this makes my life more stressful sometimes? Absolutely. Should I forgive and forget? Hell no. I believe in peace and love and happiness….but I also believe in protecting my pride, my fucking soul and most of all, my family. I’ve just decided after the same thing happening over and over again, it cannot be forgiven anymore. It’s something we have to move on from and God forbid hold the biggest fucking grudge ever, so it never happens again!
I used to want to live my life in secrecy to keep this evil away and the creepy ways they have to get through and see and judge my family through social media…. I’m past that, see pictures by snooping or whatever they may do, but they won’t bother me, they won’t hurt me and they won’t get a useful minute of my time, except maybe occasional thoughts like this that makes me hate them even more🙂
Peace~~~
Jessie❤

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Things That Interfere With My Pregnancy

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I love being pregnant. That’s why I didn’t name this “How Pregnancy Interferes With My Life” it’s just these things, well, they make my pregnancies a little bit hard. It’s all in good humor though😉
1. I do not like public restrooms. I will hold my pee for a very long time JUST so I don’t have to enter a public restroom….not when I’m pregnant!! For example, today I had to pee so bad I stopped at a gas station, the ladies was occupied…so I went to the men’s. That’s how bad it is.
2. My anxiety gets worse, and guess what? I can’t take my calming pills while pregnant. Nope, I have to “wean” myself off of them. Which is hell. So far.
3. I’m a bitch when I’m hungry anyways, that’s amplified by 1,000 when I am pregnant. Sorry honey.
4. Any ache, pain, or unusual happening always means something is wrong. Not really, but that’s what I assume. This goes along with that anxiety I was talking about.
5. I already have a weak stomach, I gag over everything. That’s also amplified by 1,000 when I am pregnant.
6. I hate shaving. I hate it worse when I am carrying a child.
7. I have a weakness for Taco Bell. Taco Bell gets a lot of my money when I’m pregnant.
8. I never cry. Like ever. Especially over movies, YouTube videos… Nothing. Well guess what movie made me cry the other night? “Walk The Line” really? Really Jessie? Get ahold of your stupid self!
9. Uncontrollable laughter, now I realize you might be thinking…”what’s the problem with that?” The problem is, once it starts… It can’t be stopped. Today I spit ^Taco Bell and then water all over my husband at the lunch table. I couldn’t help it. He should just be thankful that I am not far along enough to pee my pants yet.
10. I pee my pants. A LOT. Those cute little summer dresses?? Yeah, my husband thought I was so cute the first time I wore one when I was pregnant with our son….until ^the uncontrollable laughing started and he seen the pee running down my legs as I ran towards the bathroom.

I hope these give you all a good laugh, and more importantly I hope at least some of you can relate so I don’t feel weird😉
Peace
Love—
Jessie

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Boundaries?

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I will start out by saying this post is not aimed at any one particular individual, but sadly several. I’ve already made a post about how social media drives me crazy, maybe it’s not for me…but for some reason I stay on it. I like to keep up with my far away friends and family and I like reading. What I have noticed a lot of lately that I do not like though is people shaming children, and judging others and their parenting styles on social media. I’ve seen everything from pictures of a child in a waiting room hanging up side down in a chair… To make it clear, the person who posted the picture did not know the child, they simply posted pictures to talk crap on his behavior and about how shitty of a job his parents are doing… And just random statuses people make about other peoples kids. Here’s what I have to say about it and what I think about it. If you think differently ok, but I just want to put my opinion out there. My first question to you “posters” is …. Do you really think your child is perfect? What about your parenting style.. Is that perfect too?
This next statement isn’t even a question it’s a fact. Kids are unpredictable!!! I never know what may come out of my children’s mouths, they listen to everything and hold onto it, and then they repeat it in the most imperfect timing possible. I also never know if my two year old is going to decide to throw the biggest temper tantrum in the store or if he is going to act like an angel, it’s different every day. Do you ever have a bad day?? So do kids, so do parents. Does that mean that child is bad? No. Does that mean that parent is bad? Absolutely not. So what’s wrong with posting pictures of children on a public forum and shaming them? EVERYTHING!! Who are you to judge? Especially a child. How would you feel if that was your child? What if that child has a behavior disorder? What if that parent is just slacking that day because they just lost a loved one, or filed for divorce or bankruptcy?? Is everyone flawless? They sure seem to act like it on FaceBook these days. My next topic I will touch base with is when people actually admit that they said something to the child! Or “gave them a look” How on Gods green earth is that your job?! What makes you think you have power over someone else’s child? It just really baffles the fuck out of me. Can you really not just continue on your day and walk on? Are you really going to let a rowdy child make you miserable? To me that says more of you than it does the child or the parent of the child. Also, may I add, that there has been days in the store when my son is throwing hellacious screaming at the top of his lungs fits in the grocery store. Do I walk out just so you can shop in peace? Fuck NO I don’t? What does that teach my child? It teaches him that he wins. That if he throws a fit, mom will just leave because he doesn’t really want to be there anyway and sit in the stupid cart for an hour while I shop for a family of 5. What fun is that? Do I get frustrated? Of course! But I will say that if at any time a single person EVER gives him a “look” or even worse, says a God damn word to my child… That will be the hugest mistake of your life; because most likely I’m already frustrated and I don’t need a stranger telling my child how to act. All three of my kids came from my vagina, not yours, so continue on with your shopping and most importantly mind your own damn business!! And if you truly feel the need to go home and post to your social site about it, I hope you know how ignorant and judgmental you all sound. How low you sound to talk badly about a child. To me, that’s as low as you can get. A child is a child is a CHILD! They are ALL innocent. I can guarantee you that your glares or words to that child aren’t going to be life changing for the child. The only life changing thing that will happen is if you someday run into a mother like me that will tell you to keep your fucking pie hole shut and move along. Then maybe you will think twice the next time. Some parents are shitty, but NO parent is perfect and it’s not your business to school anyone else’s child. Get off your high horse people!! Come on. Find something else to bitch about because you sound really pathetic when you gripe about a child.
Peace, Love

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Things I want my daughters to know…my style.

The other day I read a writing titled “101 Things I Will Tell My Daughter” well… I liked a lot of them but I made my own. Enjoy.

1. You don’t have to be friends with every body
2. You don’t have to be perfect and you never will be, except to me. To me you’re perfect and that’s enough.
3. Never let someone else control your dreams and goals. Do what YOU want to do.
4. Respect your elders…. Unless they don’t respect you. We live in a different world now than when than when that saying came about. Sometimes people are ass holes, and sometimes it’s just because you are young and SOME people (unfortunately) think all young people are dumb… Do not stand for that!
5. You are NOT dumb, you are very smart.
6. Don’t make dumb choices. If you do, learn from them.
7. Own up to your mistakes. Always.
8. Say sorry.
9. Forgive, but never forget.
10. Learn to cook, clean and do your make up.
11. I’ll teach you all the things listed in number 10.
12. Buy the shoes.
13. Never make your husbands dinner plate. Unless he is sick or something he’s very capable of doing that on his own.
14. Don’t judge a person by what others have said, give them a chance yourself.
15. Never let your boyfriend call you names or put his hands on you. Notice I say boyfriend because I will never bless a marriage to an idiot.
16. Take care of your teeth!!
17. Be unique, a leader, be yourself
18. You can always talk to me.
19. Don’t spread rumors, it says more of you than it does of the person it’s about.
20. Do NOT believe everything you see or read on the internet.
21. Many people will tell you while you’re in High School “these are the best days of your life”. They are lying, please don’t peak in High School. Your whole life is filled with best days. You have a long way to go after high school, your wedding day, birth of your children…SO many!!
22. Family is number 1. ALWAYS visit with your family, always make time for your family.
23. Pray. Pray. Pray.
24. Don’t cry over spilled milk. It’s not worth your tears.
25. Keep your house clean!!
26. Birthdays are a big deal, celebrate!!
27. Always wear your seat belt. You’re not too cool EVER.

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Things About Anxiety…

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I’ve always been an anxious person ever since I can remember. The only time I don’t remember being anxious was during my teenage, drinking and extreme drug use years. I didn’t really have “panic attacks” until after my second daughter was born when I was about 20. I didn’t get on anxiety medication until 2 years ago about 8 months after my 3rd child was born. I’ve never upped my dosage, I only take it when I need it and I am constantly weaning myself off of it. I recently moved to a different town and I was almost taking no medicine at all, well, the move put a stop to that. Anxiety is back in full swing. I feel like a lot of people don’t understand it. I’ll list some things I feel and think.
1. It’s embarrassing
2. Sometimes I feel like I’m going to die.
3. I feel guilty for taking the medicine I’m prescribed because of the bad rep it gets because of people who abuse it.
4. I don’t abuse my medicine.
5. Sometimes, it makes me not want to leave my house.
6. I have felt guilty many times for backing out on people because of being anxious.
7. I’ve learned that it’s truly not under my control for the most part. No matter how much I tell myself to chill the fuck out, my brain tells my body something different which causes heart racing, sweating, shaking, fear.
8. I hate fear, but I live with it.
9. My anxiety got worse during pregnancy and after each child continued to worsen.
10. I’ve learned to make a joke of it, to relax. I say things like “I’m shaking like a dog shitting razor blades” people usually laugh and then you realize that it’s really not that big of a deal.
11. People that have never experienced a true anxiety problem probably won’t understand anything you tell them about it. That’s ok.
12. I have “safe” people. People that I like to be around that make me feel good and that I usually never have anxiety around.
13. Being anxious can be a good thing. I’m more aware of my surroundings, watch my children closer. Probably make too many doctor visits for me and my children, but it’s better safe than sorry.
14. It’s better to talk about it. Don’t try to hide it. It only makes it worse. There is nothing to be ashamed of.
15. If I am out somewhere and have a panic attack, I no longer leave or take the flight method. (Fight or flight) I just fight thru it and usually after about 2-5 minutes it gets better.
16. I’ve never fainted from an anxiety attack, and although I almost always feel like I’m going to, I don’t..and I’ve decided if I do, so what?
17. Just because you have anxiety does NOT mean you’re depressed. I’ve never been depressed in my life. So don’t try to play that card.
18. I could go on but I’m done talking about it now lol.
Have a good weekend everyone!!
Peace~~
Jessie❤

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What Do You Call That?

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There are a certain type of people that just really get under my skin. We have all met one. Those people that make everything about them. Say for instance; you start talking to them about one of your problems and they completely disregard what you’ve said and began to make it about themselves. What do you call that kind of person? It’s actually kind of funny sometimes in my case because the problems this person begins to talk about, literally doesn’t even come close to relating to the subject that I brought up. It used to really bother me, I felt like…wow they are selfish and I can’t even talk to them. Now, I just laugh and somewhat feel sorry for the guy because he’s so self absorbed and it’s sad that he feels no empathy for others feelings but feels sorry for himself. I guess to make this blog worth reading I will give a piece of advice to go with it, like how to handle these people. There are several things you can do. 1. Don’t even bring up your problems to them.
2. Just listen when they ignore everything you just said and begin talking about themselves.
3. Tell them that what they are talking about has nothing to do with what you said.
4. Number 3 will be hard if the person is drunk and you may have to repeat yourself.
5. Whatever you do, don’t argue with them because then they will turn the whole entire thing around on you and somehow make it all your fault even though, to start with…it had nothing to do with that. LOL
6. People really should not mix Xanax and alcohol, it’s really pathetic and well… Just laugh at them until they pass out…it doesn’t take long😉
Peace ~~~
Jessie❤

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Ok…Call Me Crazy

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I’m just going to talk about a random subject tonight. First of all, I think it’s weird when girls hook their friends up with guys they’ve already slept with…like “here, I’ve had that D, you go ahead now” UHM NO. It’s weird as shit. Second of all, I can’t be “happy” for my exes when they get new girlfriends. That shit still makes me wanna slap the shit out of people. Jealous? No… Just annoyed. The only exes relationship I care about is the father of my kids because his new lady is around my kids so yeah… But am I going to like..lick her asshole? Nope. Be nice? Yes. FaceTime and play best buds? No…HAIL NO! That shit is weird. When we talk, it’s about my kids….
I want to know how these girls pull this off… “Oh HEY GIRL! How’s Steven?!, oh shit really?? He used to do that when I was with him too!!” Nope nope nope… That’s not ok. Not. Not…is NOT! “Oh remember when he cheated on me with you?!” Bahaha, I’m not making this up people, this ACTUALLY happens!! Am I weird?! No, I’m not. Those bitches are weird. It’s ok to be civil and get along for the kids for sure, but all that other crap you can save for someone else. Real I am, and real ill stay.
Peace ~~~
Jessie❤

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