So, I haven’t written a blog post in 491 days. Where the hell have I been? I am not even going to try and begin to write about the past 491 days of my life, but I have been feeling the urge to write, so I’ll just do that. Well… Its about 10:30 pm and both boys are in bed and hubs is at work. So of course being my weird self, I am sitting in the living room in silence. Why don’t I ever turn the television on? I guess I like staring at the walls in complete silence after hearing nothing but the opposite of that all day. Tonight my mind is wandering… Ha, what’s new?
It’s the holiday season and I am excited to spend the days with my kids and husband. I can’t lie and say I don’t have a shitty attitude about a lot of the other things that come with holidays however. 😏
I’ve talked before about how I wish my parents would have just divorced when I was little vs when I was 24. How it sucks to come accustomed to family traditions all of your life and then have them ripped apart. So, as usual, my husband and I are trying to get through the days with smiles on our faces and positive attitudes for our kids, even though when we look at each other I know we can both see the heart ache that we share.
You see, because what a lot of people don’t realize is that this time of year is also a reminder of gut wrenching facts about your fucked up life. Floods of memories, feelings of emptiness and hoping to God that we are doing something right so that our kids don’t go through what we have.
Family sucks. Yup, I said it. Oh how hard it is to hold together a family. Not just our own consisting of us and our kids. I mean extended family. Brothers, sisters, moms and dads and in-laws.. Oh my. 😱
I know I should just let things go, move on forget about it. Unfortunately, I suffer from anxiety & depression which leads to over thinking & insomnia. So, I guess I’ll write.
I’m not really sure how I want this to go, so I guess I’m just just going to do the whole feelings thing. Eek! Give perspective on what it feels like to be “that family”
Christmas is in 14 days and the fact that my husband and two boys and I spent thanksgiving alone and had braums for dinner scares the hell out of me. I’ve encountered the people that give you the “you have your own family now”
Yeah I get that. Does that still make it ok that my two boys watch their sisters gallop out the door to spend time with their dads family and probably wonder what the fuck happened to their own dads family? Or that my four year old is smart enough to know that 4 of his cousins and uncle as well as his “Nina” live 3-5 miles away and wonders why we don’t see them? Or God forbid my hot mess of a self that has to see Instagram posts of my mom and her new top notch family having dinner –minus her own kids. Then here comes Christmas…. So yeah, I’m a little terrified of what emotions Christmas Day will bring out after the sheer joy of my kids’ faces that morning. Will we just sit at home the rest of the day? Will we be invited? <— actual thoughts I have.
I guess I’m going to end this here because I feel as though I could go on forever. I just want to exit in saying to all of the people who know how I am feeling.. I get it. I understand you can be both happy & sad on a holiday. I feel for you. And most importantly Happy Holidays and a little sadness From The Suters <3